I am afraid.

I am afraid.

Recently my sisters and I figured out what our roles in the family have always been while growing up. Ginna was the flake; Lizzie was the princess; Catey was the bitch; I was the know-it-all. I don't know how many people read this blog, but I guarantee you 70% are currently nodding their heads in agreement, and the other 30% probably just followed this link from Facebook and don't know me well enough to agree or disagree.

I am the know-it-all. I'm always right. I will correct you. If I don't outright correct you, I'll find a round-about way to do it. I always know the best way to do things. I'm judgmental. I get irritated with people I don't know on a daily basis because I think they're dumb. I'm a verbally aggressive driver. I'm right, and you're wrong. I'll make sure you know it. I do this because I have fear. Pride. I project. The way that I see the world is the way that I see myself. Everything for which I judge other people is something I see in myself.

Last night Corbin and I had a pretty confrontational argument about it. It was not a relationship-on-the-rocks argument by any means, but it was an I-think-you're-reacting-this-way-because-internally-you're-doing-this sort of argument, and I was throwing up any punch I could, grasping for anything I could hold onto that would make me feel like I wasn't completely and totally wrong in this situation. At first I felt justified in my original reaction and gave a poorly-formed apology. I was sorry, but not for the reasons I should have been. Obviously Corbin knew this and tried to tell me what I was doing. I moved on to the argument that if he wanted to point out what I was doing wrong, he was doing it the wrong way. I was desperate for anything that would justify my feeling of being so right.

I was wrong. And even when my head figured that out, I could not convince my heart. There was -- and is -- a physical knot in my chest that is loving the anger and resentment. It is kicking against the relief that would come if the knot could only loosen. I need humility but my fear makes me think that being wrong, being broken, is humiliating.

There's a long journey ahead.



I'm afraid of major change.
I'm afraid of getting a new job.
I'm afraid of not being liked.
I'm afraid of ordering Chinese food.
I'm afraid of being judged.
I'm afraid of being late.
I'm afraid of being wrong.
I'm afraid of making telephone calls.
I'm afraid of being reprimanded.
I'm afraid of making change in my life.
I'm afraid of running into people I used to know.
I'm afraid of not knowing myself.
I'm afraid of awkward silences.
I'm afraid of so many more things.